A Journal Entry: Thoughts on My Senior Year of College
Being a Senior in college is strange. It feels different than I'd expect-almost foreign and yet familiar. Familiar in the sense that it is part of life... leaving one season and entering another. Foreign in the sense that every season of transition is different and uncomfortable. I feel emotionally exposed and constantly reminded how out of my control life realistically is. It's also strange in the sense that freshmen and sophomore are looking up to me, interested in my life, asking for input and advice, all the while I feel as if I am grasping to hold on and barely thriving (I feel like adding the word "thriving" makes it sound a little more light-hearted and encouraging!). College years have proven themselves undeniably fast and hectic yet, also, gruelingly slow with sweet mundane moments thrown in and too many cups of coffee to count. My first year living on a college campus felt weirdly carefree and wholesome, a season in which I wish I could bottle up time for a second and steep in those days just a little longer. Yet then I think of where I am now and how many lessons God's taught me, the rich friendships with humans I love so much more dearly, and how I've matured. I'm hit with the raw truth that there is no way I would even dare to dream of reliving those days, months, and years gone by.
As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror this morning, washing my face and taking some extra time to apply makeup, my mind wandered to all of the recent conversations I've had with upper-classmen friends- "I feel irritable towards Moody, skeptical of freshmen, frustrated with the faculty, questioning how liberal Moody has become, longing to be out of the city, in person yet never present." I honestly kicked myself hard- This is not the way I want to leave this place! As a freshman, I never wanted to be that cynical senior but alas, I feel as if in many ways, that is exactly who I have become. But I don't want to sit in cynicism any longer.
No doubt, Moody Bible Institute has its flaws. I've gotten angry with their policies, frustrated by their methods of dealing with and addressing important issues; I've been deeply disappointed in the way they've responded to Covid-19 and the student body's willingness to support any new secular cultural fad. But here's the thing: Moody's not perfect, and neither am I. I am human. Moody is run by fellow humans. And where there's grace for me, there's grace for MBI. We will all be held accountable to our shortcomings. In my time at Moody, I've failed a lot. Sometimes academically, but specifically relationally. In those failures and my personal weaknesses, I have grown so much deeper in love with Jesus and people. Where I am weak, His power is my strength and is indeed made perfect! Moody is like home-and not just because I live here! I do not want to trash-talk this place behind its back any more than I'd want to trash-talk a dear friend behind his or her back. This place is very near and dear to my heart and I know there will be tears the day I leave.
Never have I smiled more than at Moody. Never have I had such deep, rich friendships. Many friendships that will probably last a lifetime. There are professors here that genuinely care and invest in my life, pushing me to love Jesus more fervently than I ever have before and have challenged me to dig further into deep theology and wrestle with the hard stuff. When I had Covid last semester, I felt so loved not only by family and close friends, but also by professors who wrote me the sweetest emails and student groups (my PCM!) who brought me ice cream. I've grown deeper in not only my relationship with God, but my knowledge of who God is. I can confidently say that I will leave this school loving Jesus more passionately than I ever have in my life. I can also confidently say I will leave boldly seeking the truth of God more fervently. And isn't that what it's all about? Falling deeper in love with my Creator and knowing who He is and who He created me to be!
There are classes I've barely scraped by in and times I've cried over my grade-but even those classes were worth it for the wisdom and knowledge I gained through the fervent, Godly men and women who taught them. Moody Bible Institute is a place that I want to leave saying "Moody has loved me well and I, in turn, have loved Moody well." I feel as if I've had a recent Spiritual breakthrough. God has been humbling me as I surrender my personal prejudices to Him and He allows me to love with His love. His love is selfless and endless. He's given me a new-found joy to better love and intentionally invest in the lives of fellow image-bearers He's put in my life. And He's given me a greater desire to know His truth and make His truth known to the world around me.
I write this as not only a reflection of my time here at Moody, but also as a letter of encouragement to my fellow college Seniors-please persevere and run this race with joy! Don't be so consumed with your studies that you forget to smile with the community around you. Don't let cynicism take hold of your heart so that you neglect to enjoy God and love with His love. Fight bitterness with gratitude. Put on your Ephesians 6 armor because the enemy hates that you're going to a Bible college and this is his big push in this season to wound you: fight back in the confidence of your Savior who has already defeated all evil and death! God has called you to live today for Him, to "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:14) Don't settle for less than what God has called you to! Love with His love and don't look back! Press on, straining for the Jesus way! As we walk across that stage in a feat of celebration, let us continue to strain forward and be encouraged by Jesus Himself in knowing we are living and finishing this college season of our lives for His glory!
"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father who by grace has loved us and has given us eternal encouragement and bring hope and encourage your hearts and make you steady in every good deed and word."
--2 Thessalonians 2:16-17