New Szn

  The past several years I've had a weird relationship with summer. Like any other student of academia, I eagerly anticipate the break. I long for the quiet nothingness and yet I also dread loneliness and the feelings of solitude that oftentimes accompany the season. Now I've graduated college. Sounds exciting, right? I still am getting at least one weekly "congrats graduate" card and check in the mail. Somehow, however, it's all weirdly anti-climactic. Four years of my life that feel like a beautiful, strange, rejuvenating dream. And I think my biggest fear is that life is now one big, long never-ending summer.

   For me, this summer has looked like long car drives, windows down, singing along to either Hillsong or Peach Tree Rascals (or Mackelmore when I really want to spice things up). It has looked like chasing sunsets with my dog, Greg. It's looked like zoom meetings as ministry and hectic shifts at Starbucks (not to mention learning how to love cynical, grumpy customers well). It's looked like pool days with my family and navigating how to live at home again (and questioning if I even fit in anymore).  It's looked like missing friends (thank you Jesus for Facetime, Marco Polo, and spontaneous adventures when I least expect them!) and it's looked like longing for a romantic relationship in new ways with deeper desires than I've ever experienced before. 

  It's looked like learning who I am and whose I am and what I like to do and what I want to do all over again. It's looked like learning how to love my local church and pour into the community there as well as allow them to pour into me. It's looked like slowing down and realizing that sleeping in is okay, busyness doesn't make me holier, sometimes it's okay to be "unseen", extra desserts (even extra weight) is not something to condemn myself for; understanding that God wants me even when I don't want Him, re-learning how to build relationships from scratch, knowing that I am so loved by Jesus even when I think I'm incapable of showing myself or others that same kinda grace-filled love! 

Is it Worth My Paycheck?  These days I've been pondering what it really looks like to glorify God in all I do. How much does my paycheck influence my generosity? Do I allow "the ordinary" to steal my joy rather than refresh it? Do I keep a grateful heart or am I discontent with the season God has put before me? Recently I was asked a surprisingly powerful question: "Was working at camp worth your paycheck?" Last summer, I worked at a Bible camp. It was undoubtedly my most favorite job to date. Yet this question got me thinking. Was working there worth my paycheck? The short and simple answer is a big fat NO! But that's only by earthy, human standards. My experience at camp was grit-determination and hard work. But it was kingdom work and one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever been a part of. The relationships. The deep unexplainable joy. The worship. Being a part of something far greater than any finite mind could even begin to conjure. That stuff is eternal and makes the small paycheck more than worth it.

  Right now I feel similarly. This time on a seemingly "smaller" scale. At camp, it was so easy to see God working day in and day out. In both the slow moments and rapid-fire Holy Spirit moments. Now life feels on pause and expenses are loading up and it's easy to think-- Is the paycheck worth it? Is this actually where God wants me? And then it hits-- those sweet moments during random moments in the day when my heart overflows with gratitude for no reason other than Jesus is so kind! And also those moments when someone at work asks why I went to a Bible college and all of the sudden we have an entire conversation about God and His work in my life and the world we live in. There are those moments I step into Life Group at my newly found home church and all of the sudden it practically slaps me in the face that this is *my* church and God wants me to call these people family! And there are times I'm so frustrated about living at home again and then my sister and I lay on the grass, staring into the night sky, laughing and chatting until I realize that we're finally/subtly forming a real relationship and I kinda love it! Is it worth the paycheck? The short and simple answer is a big fat NO! But it's kingdom work and, I do believe, will prove itself one of the most rewarding experiences if I let it.

  This summer is re-learning how to live again. It's re-learning how to love life. How to enjoy God. And how to bring my delight in God into the lives of those around me (and allowing other people to lead me into the enjoyment of God). It's learning how to take care of myself-- my spiritual, mental, and physical health and how to all the while maintain humility in putting Jesus and others first. Despite my fears, summer is not going to last forever. But this new season is one that God is working in and even if there are days I have to look a little harder, I don't want to neglect it. 

  Hey, if you want to hang out or have a chat sometime soon please reach out!! I'm here and I would love to delight in your season alongside you!!

~Faye Jean :)