Lord, Give Me Trust
Saying bye to friends, packing my bags, walking to the Metra train to head home for a two week Spring Break. Everything was normal. And then a week later, I received an email from my school: campus would be closed for the remainder of the Spring semester and classes would resume online due to the rampantly spreading Corona Virus.
All of the sudden "social distancing" is the new normal. Shelves in the local grocery store are nearly empty. Apparently COVID-19 is more serious than I thought. It was something I hardly knew anything about even a week ago (because who watches the news in their college dorm room?!) and now it is the only thing anyone ever talks about. I walk my dog through the neighborhood, and everyone is walking around as if in a confused stupor, having no clue what this all means, if we'll be safe, if washing our hands for twenty seconds will actually keep the virus at bay. I hear all of their phone conversations, their questions and musings.
When I got news of my school closing campus, I cried. For three days I pretty much distanced myself, angrily stewing and wondering why God would allow this. At the drop of a hat, tears would fill my eyes. I'll confess that I didn't even open my Bible and the only prayer uttered was, "Why God?!" Seniors would be graduating... friends I might never see again. It would my last eight weeks living with my current roommate, it would be my last semester living on my dorm floor (oh how I've loved my time on Houghton 6N and the bro-sis of the Elaphandas!). So many "last times" come to an abrupt end with little to no closure. Professors I have been getting close to, some of which have honestly become like mentors, I will now communicate with only through email and Canvas. Having to stay home for the next six months after having the independence of living (virtually) on my own seems strangely foreign and uncomfortable.
Yes, I was angry. And upset. But yesterday, just as this new normal seemed feasible, I was listening to an Instagram live stream that worship band, Rend Collective, aired. And in it, one of the band members stated, "We are not called to worship in Spirit and feeling. But rather, Spirit and Truth." This struck a chord with me.
While I am bitterly stewing over what my life would like for the next six months, I am neglecting real worship. Of course, I know God is in control. I know He loves me way better than I could even love myself...or others could love me. I know He has a perfect plan (even if I don't understand it). But, in my human nature, it is so easy to doubt.
Real worship, however, is turning to the truth despite feelings. It's trusting God and living in obedience to Him even when I don't feel like it. It's walking in the Spirit even when it seems pointless and like there's no hope. Worship is not through Spirit and mushy, lovey-dovey feelings. Worship is in Spirit in Truth, singing praise to God despite the welling tears.
Today I challenge both you and I to open up our Bibles... even if we don't feel like it. For starters, let us read chapters like Romans 8 where we are reminded that no suffering can separate us from the love of God and read passages like 2 Samuel 24 where in the midst of a plague David offers burnt sacrifices in worship to the Lord. This is truth, this is real worship. It is in suffering that we remind ourselves of the truths of God-- that He is good and worthy of our praise no matter how we feel. It is in suffering that we still offer our lives as living sacrifices, fully consecrated to Christ. Write down a list of all the ways God has blessed you specifically in the last year, find ways to praise Him even when you're at your lowest. Look for ways to serve others in those moments you want to isolate. God has a perfect plan, even when we can't understand it.
Join me in my new prayer: Lord, give me trust. Give me wisdom. Show me how to worship you right now even when I don't feel like it. You are still good even when it's hard for me to believe it.