These Days Aren't Normal, and That's Okay

  To be honest, I now kind of laugh (and am slightly embarrassed) at the fact that today I teared up as the song Good Old Days by Macklemore started playing. I even stopped washing dishes for a second or two as I listened to the lyrics:

Maybe these are the moments

Maybe I've been missing what it's about

Been scared of the future, thinking about the past

While missing out on now

  Okay, I think we can all agree: nothing in the world is normal right now. The idea of "new normal" sounds intriguing, blissful even. But the thing is, it's not normal. It's just different and weird and I feel like all the world is just faking it 'til we make it. However, a quick heart check definitely reveals that I am absolutely not making it. At least, not thriving while making it. I am still grieving the loss of what was before. In complete vulnerability, I was definitely a bit of a mess and going through some major sanctification the months leading up to corona days. In the struggling, however, the entire world wasn't turned upside down and the normalcy of routine was a bit of a saving grace. Yet thanks to quarantine, that little sense of normalcy I was clinging to was snatched away. God has definitely been teaching me a lot about full-on surrender lately. And so I am certain this was yet another moment of God revealing to my heart how I literally cannot do this life apart from Him (thank you John 15:5 and the Holy Spirit's revelation!).

  This is not my typical blog post. It's more of a spiritual rant, you might say. And I think that's okay. I think sometimes it's okay to admit that it's not okay. It's okay to admit that you're frustrated (dare I even say it... bitter??), sad, depressed, in denial, struggling to accept or understand God's plan, to admit it's hard to love people. Why, it's even okay to admit it's hard to love God! Praise be that our God is a God who will not walk out on us, who will show us an overfill of undeserved grace. It's okay to not be okay but it's also incredibly important to know that there is hope and it's unhealthy to stay in that place of hopelessness. It may take time, but healing is possible.

  But for now, grieve. Admit things aren't normal. It's okay to realize that there is no such thing as a new normal. And it's okay to be hurt and upset. I've shed my share of tears these past several days as I've returned to school for my senior year of college. So many differences, nothing is exactly comfortable. Classes have changed, the student dining hall has changed, living arrangements have changed. I am so very blessed to have close friends here, to go through this season of life with them. It brings a whole lot of joy in the midst of everything going in this world. Because I am sure I'm definitely not the first person you have heard say that life is a little bit hard right now. 2020 has been hard, no doubt about it.

  I struggle with the new guidelines and rules. If I dare to make an honest confession, I bemoan wearing a mask. And ultimately I know there's bigger stakes than me here, I understand that I shouldn't take it personally, but honestly I feel so distrusted and unwanted every time a friend puts on a mask so that we can hang out. I hide it well but I definitely tear up every single time without fail. I understand we have to love others well, I understand the selflessness in wearing masks and putting others' needs before yourselves. But this whole "world post quarantine"? it's not "normal". And I think it's okay to be able to say this isn't normal. Even more so, I think it's essential that before we even argue political and social-economical views of wearing a mask, it's okay (in fact, vitall!!) to actually treat humans like humans and instead of pointing fingers and cussing-out "anti-mask people" maybe for a second understand where they're coming from too. Everyone is grieving, whether they want to admit or not. Everyone is struggling with how the world is right now. We all cope and respond differently. For some, it may mean abiding by all the new rules and guidelines. For others, it may mean grasping onto some sort of normalcy... like the kind of normalcy we had less than a year ago! Normalcy (freedom even) we've lived all our lives up until now. 

  We all need to take a step back and learn/relearn the simplicity and beauty of loving another human being. We all think we know what selfless love is when, in actuality, I feel as if all of us (myself definitely included) are just judging one another hard core in this season of life. We need to actually listen to each other-- to know where each and every person is coming from.

  These days I've been learning a whole lot about humility and loving others well. And I've failed at loving people a lot. I've definitely had moments of frustration and anger, moments of hiding away and crying. One scripture passage that keeps coming to mind is Lamentations 3. Verses 17-18 says, "I have forgotten what happiness is, so I say, 'My endurance is perished; so has my hope from the Lord." Yet even in this place of disparity Jeremiah is able to say in this same chapter, "But this I call to mind, and there I do have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

  We can be sad and bitter. However there comes a point and time where we do have to remember our hope. We have to remember how God has been faithful to us, how He's preserved our lives for such a time as this. He is so, so good to us. And He wants us to process all we're going through and experiencing with Him. He wants us to come to Him with all our anger and bitterness, all our grieving and sadness. It's in remembering His past faithfulness and that we can find joy in His faithfulness today and peace for tomorrow. There's a reason He's given us these days.

  Going back to that Macklemore song, these are the days God has given us. We can sit in them and think about the past and fear the future. Or, we can embrace them as days that the Lord has made and we can truly rejoice and be glad in them (and also mourn when needed)! God is here, He's got us, He loves us so very much. Trusting Him isn't always easy, and it never will be. But let's not waste these days. Even the hard ones. Because even on the hardest days, God is doing some deep-cleaning in our hearts and those too can be days we draw immeasurably closer to the God who knit each one of us together. And it's abiding that we learn the true art of selfless love-- love for God, His people, and even ourselves. These days are hard, but God is still using them for His glory... even when we can't see it or feel it. Process with God, be vulnerable, and invite Him in to do some major heart cleansing. Trust me, I am right there with you! I yearn for this to be a season of growth and gratitude, a remembering of His faithfulness.

• What has your past six months or so been like? How are you feeling about corona, the world, life in general? Chat in the comments or send me a quick little email cause, dm, or text because I would love to have a conversation and just check in!