[un]WANTED

  Learning to be comfortable. To be comfortable when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. To be comfortable in the skin God gave me, to be comfortable with the body He gave me, to trust He knows me better than I know myself and hand-crafted me. I am His creation and He calls me very good. He is singing over me. These are all truths I've read over and over again in the Bible. It is, however, one thing to read these truths. It's quite another to be steeped in these truths, to live out these truths, to rest in the promises of Christ. Learning to be content in who God created me to be. 

  I am going to be vulnerable. Which is kind of scary in that I honestly don't open up fully about my own insecurities (other than to maybe a very close friend). I don't usually call them by name. But, with shaky hands, that is exactly what I am opening up about in this post. Why now? Because I know I'm not alone and I know that right here and now God is growing and changing me. 

  For as long as I can remember I've let foreign thoughts rule my life. Little ideas that bounce into my head and get trapped there and grow roots until they begin to mold my personality and camouflage themselves as reality. I remember, standing dumbfounded, in front of my mirror in a brand new green polk-a-dot swimsuit. I was only nine years or so old. Fat. I repeated this word in my head. I repeated it until tears begin to well and I swore to myself that for that entire week I would not eat any dessert. By all means I was young and innocent to the world and yet there I was, already allowing lies to fill my brain. 

  I've always denied struggling with physical insecurities. Other people struggle with that, I'm content in who God made me! It had become so normal, so mundane, that I eventually thought it was normal for me to struggle with my physical appearance. I just accepted the fact that I was "ugly." And that's how God created me. I believed anything people told me about my physical appearance-- except for compliments, those I always mentally discarded. 

  And yet, ten years later I find myself standing in front of a different mirror, one located in my college dorm room and new lies surface. I'm twenty years old, I should have my life pulled together, right? I should be mature and a functioning adult, right? Lies shouldn't affect me in the same way they did when I was a little naive girl, right? And yet there are those words again. They resurface. Ugly. Unwanted. Worthless. The word "ugly" has become so ingrained in my mind that it literally controls all of my thoughts-- no one would want to be friends with me because I'm ugly. No guy would ever want to be in a relationship with me because I'm ugly. It's rooted comparison in my heart. If only I had her hair. If only I had her nose. Her eyelashes, eyebrows, hairline... 

  Lies that grew in my little nine year old heart did not disintegrate as I grew older. Rather, they festered and grew. And I've only grown better at masking them. 

  One class I am taking this semester is called Ministry to Women in Pain. It's honestly one of the hardest, most challenging classes I've taken during my time at Moody Bible Institute (very heavy content). During the first class of the semester the professor gave us an excellent, life-changing tactic to dealing with lies. She said face them head-on. When the thought "I'm unwanted" comes to mind tell yourself, "Even if I'm unwanted by every single person here on earth, God wants me and delights in me (Zephaniah 3:17)." Always fight the "even ifs" with God's truth. Find scripture that directly fights against the lies. God's truth, His Word, is like a two-edged sword. And so, even if I am ugly, God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I must cling to the promises of my God above the shouting whispers of insecurity. 

  Sometimes we talk about Christian clichés. And oftentimes we place "identity in Christ" as a cliché of our faith. However, it is vital to have our identities rooted in Christ. When He is not the center of our worth and value and the very core of who we are, our foundation crumbles. Only can I be comfortable in the very skin God gave me, only can I be content in how He created me to look if I know my identity is secure in Him. It's impossible to live in truth if we do not repeatedly preach the gospel over and over again to ourselves. Every time a lie grips our hearts, we can fight back by vocalizing the truth of scripture. Even if, God says. 

  Lies are difficult to break. It's hard to rewire our brains to believe truth over lies we've told ourselves practically all our lives. I'm still learning how to be content in what God has given me and it could be a life long struggle. But never will I have any chance of being comfortable if I don't first fully stand firmly in Jesus as my one and only foundation. 

    As I vented to a dear friend recently, she asked me something along the lines of,"So, what if it's true? What if no one on this earth ever wants you? Would it be enough for you that God wants you and loves you more than anyone you know ever could?" 

Truth:  Even if no one in the entire world wants me, God wants me and loves me. 

  Even if no one wants you, your Creator wants you and loves you oh so deeply and unfathomably. Will this truth be enough? Will you grasp it and live in this reality, in the reality of God and His creation of beautiful things?